The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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