I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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