so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
