i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize