Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
