well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
