it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize