Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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