I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
