He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
