i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
