I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
