I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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