There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
someone owes me an orgasm
she peed on how many people?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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