I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
