I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
