Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
