Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
