I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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