Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
