she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
