I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
