Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
