I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Welp...herpes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
