just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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