Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
