I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
