some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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