Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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