R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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