Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
