I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
