you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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