My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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