I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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