I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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