Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
