Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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