Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
