So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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