when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
