i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
