i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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