i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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