no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
