i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
