it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
