i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
