babies were throwing up all over the place
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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