true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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