im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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