I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I pour the whiskey from now on
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
