Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
