i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Everclear isn't food dammit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
