I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
