Four minutes until I can fart!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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