ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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