I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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