He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
