Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
