were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
