I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
